Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
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Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that