I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
a lot to unpack here
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Hey i am sexy to you now
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip