My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
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corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.