*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
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[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
✌️
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.