A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
This is sending me to another galaxy
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up