A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Me too
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?