A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.