@neiltyson: A curious tradition -- to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, "Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me."
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@ImaFlyontheWall: Bob: Who is that? Me:That's Ted, he's the opposite of a hypochondriac.. Ted's arm falls off Ted: Hey guys! Bob: Holy shit! Ted: What, I'm ok
@SocialustGal13: My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.
@Thedudish: Last night, a cop pulled me over. "Out of the car!" he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.