@SharpeBytes: A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don't worry she's dead now
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@ChipKellysBalls: WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
@BigBagOfScum: All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.
@tastefactory: "What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother."
@spackary: Now I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she's diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then