@SharpeBytes: A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don't worry she's dead now
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@notalogin: Headline: "Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don't respect them, study finds". AKA, "My eye is up here".
@NoticablyBacon: Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
@jeepwave7: It's not a coincidence that we use the term "committed" to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution