A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…