A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
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“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
They got a point!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s