Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
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My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.