God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
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There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
There’s only one good girl here!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer