Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Leaving the Barbers like
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again