I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I think this should do it.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!