@imasmartass37: A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.
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@blondecalamity: Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode. PATENT PENDING!!
@PorkUrPine: God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn't possibly have grown legs and walked away Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
@murrman5: *catches frisbee* "this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don't take staff meetings seriously"
@Social_Mime: Bartender - Would you like to try our pumpkin beer? Me - Can I have a different bartender please?