@blondecalamity: Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode. PATENT PENDING!!

@PorkUrPine: God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn't possibly have grown legs and walked away Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

@murrman5: *catches frisbee* "this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don't take staff meetings seriously"

@Social_Mime: Bartender - Would you like to try our pumpkin beer? Me - Can I have a different bartender please?

@CoopSoSarc: Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago