@sixfootcandy: [at the airport] Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma'am? Me: Sure. What can I get you?

@Stellacopter: Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

@iwearaonesie: wife: How was work? [flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said "abreast"] me:Good

@Reverend_Scott: Reasons why it's bad that Justin Bieber is retiring: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

@SmartassChef: Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let's take a shower together and find out.