100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
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ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂