A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
necessity is the mother of invention
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok