I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
i prefer mine room temperature.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like