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When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
The pen is writier than the sword.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔