I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how