A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
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Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Thanks to a fan for this one!
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*