A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
You Might Also Like
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.