I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.