a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
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On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.