a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
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me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.