@awescar: A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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@mattwhitlockPM: Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
@jordan_stratton: According to commercials, a woman's primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*