A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
wut hotdog?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*