*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.