*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
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When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.