@sad_tree: *A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can't because he's choking on all of the axe body spray I'm wearing*
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@gaynorlsimpson: How to stop an unwanted DM. Hi, how are you? Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I'm a psychotic cow, how are you?
@BackrowSeats: If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.
@brianbowman73: I shot a man in Reno, Just to watch him cry. It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
@Reverend_Scott: DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]