*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
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Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity