…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
You Might Also Like
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
This will teach them to underestimate me
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Well. That’s not a good sign.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.