a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
🖤✌🏽
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”