@underrateDad: Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 4,917 times and you're probably my kids.
@Angibangie: -If I'm wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald's worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries...
@tomw1984: Had a fight with a janitor once, wiped the floor with him
@murrman5: *calls sister while babysitting for her*
"the younger one says you guys don't own a snake. this true?" [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
@Brentweets: I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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