gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*