Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.