ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
You Might Also Like
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”