My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Florida be like…
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.