A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
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My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
There’s always that one guy
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.