A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
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my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
*lint rolls you awake*
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”