A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
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You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
🤣dope
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I can fix him.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie