A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
What flavor cupcake are these
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.