A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
My dating profile:
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”