*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
#inspiration #foodforthought
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
buying dead houseplants to save time
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT