*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
You Might Also Like
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
President The Rock Obama
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.