A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
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Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I falcon love using swear birds
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Current mood: Potato
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat