A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards