A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
God has abandoned us.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.