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@bobvulfov: [a dolphin kisses me at sea world]
ME: so like what are we
@ApocalypseBnG: How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
@MouthOfSass: Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I'm out of toilet paper.
@mortimermaiden: Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They're all my cards, give me my wallet back.
@AmishPornStar1: "What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?"
-inventor of Lucky Charms
@heatherjs: Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.