If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.