The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
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remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Just grow your own
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you