My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…