We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
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Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa