A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
mood
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.