A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
But is it really??
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there